The Fortnight War of Windsor Castle
by aronpuma
Summary: Summary: At England's World meeting, France will recruit America to pull a failed prank on Britain, causing a battle encompassing the whole of the Capitalist world. Who will win, who will lose, who is watching from the shadows, and just why is Switzerland fighting Martians? Co-authored with the DeathbladeMeister
1. England's Champagne

**Aronpuma: Hello fellow Hetalia fanfiction readers, welcome to this coauthored story penned by DeathbladeMeister and myself, Aronpuma.**

**DeathbladeMeister: Yo. DbM here. I wrote this chapter, Aron added to it.**

**Aronpuma: We alternate for most chapters, but I did not just add to this one!**

**DeathbladeMeister: Yes you did, you stupid American.**

**Aronpuma: Fine I'll accept it, it was your concept after all.**

**DeathbladeMeister: You mean I got drunk on New Years Eve and messaged you to complain about my neighbors? And we wrote a FanFiction based on the ensuing conversation?**

**Aronpuma: Exactly, except I wasn't drunk for the proceedings.**

**DeathbladeMeister: Maybe not, but you'd probably drunk as much as me. I am British, after all.**

**Aronpuma: But it is much harder in America to get alcohol underage, so no, I was sober.**

**DeathbladeMeister:... How did we create an abomination of a country where the barely underage cannot get alcohol?**

**Aronpuma: Because Prohibition.**

**DeathbladeMeister: No wonder we celebrate the 4th of July. We're glad to be rid of you. And don't talk to me about restrictions, my ancestors landed at Plymouth Rock! But we came back. (Not a joke)**

**Aronpuma: Yeah, I'm 1/32nd Native American, so my ancestry traces back before you even settled, but we should probably cut to the story before the readers get tired of this bullshit.**

**DeathbladeMeister: Yeah. The AN is longer than the original chapter.**

**Aronpuma: Which is why you have me, but anyway onto the Chapter.**

**DeathbladeMeister: Sorry for the YGOTAS references. and by the way, this fanfiction will contain language deemed to be strong by some. If you don't like that, please don't berate us. We have warned you. This is rated T and teenagers swear.**

**Aronpuma: And we will be updating weekly for as long as our procrastination let's us.**

**DeathbladeMeister: About four weeks.**

**Chapter One: England's Champagne**

"And is why Mariks' henchmen are all named Steve."

All countries actually paying attention to the New World nation looked at him incredulously. But that was only a few; at least two were sleeping, six were fighting, and no-one wanted to think about what France was doing under the table.

A very productive world meeting was going on- or so it seemed. Every country had been called to Windsor Castle in a state of emergency, something about a vital economic reboot. Though it seemed some countries were taking the crisis far more seriously than others. Greece ironically enough was probably the most invested considering his current financial situation. Russia meanwhile was thinking about where he would eat dinner, he could never find good Russian food in Berkshire, so that was out of the question.

Britain took a break from trying to castrate Spain and defend himself from Romano at the same time to give America his feedback.

"That is undoubtedly the stupidest presentation you've ever given, America."

America grinned at the glaring Brit. "But it makes perfect sense!"

"Of all people, Prussia is not Marik Ishtar."

"He's got the bird, he's got the hair, he's got the accent-"

"He's not Egyptian, he's not got a tattoo, he's not got a leather fetish-"

"Only one part of that statement is true, kessees."

Britain and America looked at the ex-nation in disbelief.

"Dude, you're Egyptian?"

Britain stared and facepalmed at the idiocy of his former colony. "America, you cannot possibly be that stupid."

"YES I CAN! I'M THE HER-oh."

"You rest my case. Please keep the castle clean, the future Queen of England has lent it to us."

Britain reached for his briefcase, undid his bow tie (yes, Britain wears a bow tie. Why? Unicorns. Screw the logic, I have Fanfiction!) and packed up for he was to leave the meeting hall.

"You can't just abandon a meeting held in your own castle" protested Austria.

"This is my castle, I can do what I want, and I will not have people annoy me on my own land."

He then walked out with other indifference to everyone else. Switzerland tapped Liechtenstein's shoulder.

"Nothing is going to get done here, let's go home."

"Yes big brother."

Germany, who was sitting on the opposite side of the room and didn't hear them. turned to the person sitting next to him.

"Why did they leave at a time like this?"

"Eh, probably Martians." replied Hungary with a knowing smile.

Germany made a mental note to now list Hungary under 'insane'. That was a great shame, Hungary was one of the few nations Germany had listed as 'sane' in his databases.

The rest of the meeting carried on as normal. America has stupid ideas, Italy trying to turn a table into pasta, Germany attempting to comprehend when he succeeded, Japan and Hungary making plans that made most male nations shake in fear, Russia being a creepy-ass motherfucker, Belarus assaulting Lithuania and Poland assaulting Belarus.

France was disappointed though, with England gone he had no-one to molest.

So France did what French people did when they're bored.

No, not that, you perverts.

He made a cunning plan. As cunning as the fox that used to be Professor of Cunning at Oxford University but had moved on and now works for the U.N. at the High Commission of International Cunning Planning.

And for some reason, Britain had a very ominous feeling for the rest of the day.

"Yo, France, why do you need me in a darkened room in the dead of night when nobody's around and told me to come alone and tell nobody?"

"... L'Amerique, you paint me in such a bad light."

"You don't really try to make yourself look any better."

"What!? I am the true connoisseur of culture; that alone should be enough to…"

"Whatevs. Can you tell me your super-specially phat chocolatey fudge awesome super plan?"

France looked disbelievingly at America before explaining the plan. He wasn't sure if he was more surprised at the fact that he had predicted he had a plan, or the manner of the delivery of that information.

"We shall force Angleterre to taste French champagne, then blackmail him with the footage."

America looked shocked.

"Dude, I know you like the guy, but I'm not going to force Iggy to give you head- that's kind of sick, man.."

"Not like that! Honestly, I think you must be more mentally depraved than me sometimes. I meant the literal champagne."

Alfred raised his eyebrows. "Francis, Iggy doesn't need our help to get wasted."

"Oui, but it will annoy him more to learn it was French."

"True, but how are we gonna get it to him?"

"Ah, now that is the cleverest part. Angleterre normally indulges on Cider for the new year, so if we make sure that the bottles are not filled up with cider but champagne…"

"Dude, you're forgetting that Iggy's not going to touch the stuff as soon as he tastes it's not cider."

"You did not let me finish! We make sure the first bottle he drinks has cider, so by the time he starts another, he'll be too drunk to want to stop drinking, but not drunk enough to slowly realize what it is. It will be priceless! Now I need to go call Estonia. He's going to hack into the security cameras so we can watch it live."

"Sounds totally wicked! so what do I do?"

"You'll distract him while I fill the bottles oh it's going to be so glorious. Now I shall call Estonia!"

"Is that seriously all I get to do, come on; couldn't I break in like Tom Cruise from.."

"Tais-toi! Bonjour Estonia…...could you help me…...oh how ever did you guess that…...but that was all Prussia's fault, I had nothing to do with it…...I don't care that he hasn't gotten over it, he's not going to find out…...well I didn't need your help anyway." France shut his phone rather violently.

"Estonia is not going to be helping us!"

"Dude, you don't have to sound so angry."

"There is no point to my carefully crafted plan if we can't see it happen, and an entire afternoon of my life will be wasted. Wait; can't your NSA gain access to the cameras of Windsor Castle?"

"Are you kidding? Iggy keeps security on that place really really tight, especially with someone as important as me there."

"Then this was all for nothing."

"Don't you think someone else could hack it?"

"No, I can't think of anyone America; just leave me to my wasted day."

"Alright, I was going to tell who I thought of, but if you want me to leave…"

"Who else!? WHO!?"

"My Bro, Canada."

"Mon petit Canada? When did he learn to hack Angleterre's security systems?"

"I don't know, I mean he doesn't go out much. I just remember this one time joining him on his Birthday to watch Iggy, you know the one where Iggy couldn't come cause he 'felt a cold coming on'. He missed mine too."

"Where can we get a hold of him?"

"I dunno, he's probably in his room."

"Oh America, we are saved. England's champaign will be delivered after all.

As the long-time allies plotted, Arthurs' spy ran back with the audio recording ready for a full report.


	2. Belgium's Field Report

**DeathbladeMeister: Hi! I wrote this one as well!**

**Aronpuma: And I assure you that it is wonderful even without any additions from me.**

**DbM: Patriarchal American.**

**Aronpuma: Hey, I take offence to that, on behalf of all the male writers on this site. All 10 of us. Damn feminist anarchist.**

**DbM: Don't forget communist!**

**Aronpuma: Woo Communism! wait that's Unamerican, I mean boo Communism. Better of Dead than red!**

**DbM: At least in communism you know you're being spied on. **

**Aronpuma: I suppose so, though judging from Belgium's field report, my country's not the only one.**

**DbM: Spoilers!**

**Aronpuma: Sorry, anyway, wish to commence your chapter?**

**DbM: My time to shine! Peace out, bitches! **

**Aronpuma: and me.**

**DbM: But nobody cares about you. *gives hugs and sarcastic trans-atlantic cookies* On with the chapter!**

**Chapter Two: Belgium's Field Report**

"Mr England, I have information for you."

Arthur looked up from his mountain of teabags and Skittles he'd been stockpiling in his room since he arrived. The teabags were understandable, British people love tea, but god damn if she knew why the island nation had lined his hotel room with rainbow-coloured candy.

"Yes, Anri?"

"I have an audio recording-"

"Do you have Tizer?"

"What?"

"You know, Tizer- that stuff that Fanta ripped off. It's really quite good, you should try it sometime. I told you to go and get some Tizer."

"You told me to spy on France and America."

"Did I? Oh, well, it won't be Tizer but it'll be good to know what they're up to in the Duchesses' beautiful castle."

"They're planning-"

"Actually, next time you're out, don't get Tizer, get me a Double Decker instead. Just the right amount of chocolate and crunch, with absolutely superb flavour. You should have one, Anri, instead of that Belgian crap you like- Lilt, Litmen..."

"Linden."

"Yes! Linden, that Belgian crap."

"Sir, that Belgian crap is named after me and my brothers."

"Oh, I'm quite sorry, well, each to their own and all that doo-lally. Do you want some Skittles?"

"ARTHUR, DO YOU WANT THIS FUCKING INFORMATION OR NOT?"

England looked both a little peeved and mightily relieved at not having to hand over his Skittles. If anyone ever wanted to invade the British Isles, just stop importing Skittles. The war would be won in a week. Brits need Skittles!

"I suppose some information would be nice."

"Francis and Alfred want to give you French champagne, and then blackmail you with the recordings."

Arthur looked horrified.

"That's the kind of behaviour I'd expect from the cheese-eating surrender monkey, but Alfred! Where did I go wrong? Trying to force your former father to perform fellatio on your other former father-"

"Literal French champagne, sir."

Arthur stopped wailing on the floor, lamenting, and raised his head to face Belgium.

"Why?"

"To film you when you're drunk."

"I don't need their help to get pissed."

"I know, but the fact that it was French would annoy you."

"THOSE BLOODY WANKERS!" Britain leapt to his feet. "I'll show them the true British fighting spirit!"

As the crazed Brit began to assault the buttons of his hotel telephone, Belgium snuck out of the room, glad the insanity was finally over. She walked back to her suite on the other side of the hotel, only to find six missed calls. She turned it to speakerphone.

"What is actually going on here?"

"Mr England just phoned us all saying 'it's time', Miss Belgium." replied Estonia.

"I like, told him it was quarter to ten but he totally didn't listen! He called me a wanker and moved to the next caller. And that's, like, totes uncool and untrue! Liet makes sure I'm not a wanker, don't you?"

"POLAND!"

Belgium sighed. "Is anyone on the phone actually sane?"

"Da?"

"ACTUALLY SANE?"

"Hello Belgium."

"Mr Britain! What the Holy King of Belgium is going on?"

There was a resounding cry of 'Yeahs?' from the phone.

"I'm declaring war on America and France."

"WHAT?"

"M-Mr England, that's not funny. The French have never lost a war-"

"The only person to ever beat America is Vietnam, and she hates you-"

"You're going to die, kollolololololol….."

"It's just a mini-war you wankers. Norway, I'm pulling you in on Denmark's obligation. Poland, I'm pulling WW2. Russia, we're against America. Baltics, I'm going to fucking crush you if you don't help. Austria, I'm pulling the fact that Germany's never won a war, same with Hungary and Turkey. And Belgium, I'm using WW1."

"With all due respect sir, you've been using WW1 since the damn thing ended."

"Touché. Be here in the morning."

"Mr England, I think you're taking your sexual tension a bit too far-"

"He's not taking it far enough, honey! Go Arthur!"

But Britain had already hung up. Belgium did the same, and rubbed her hand on her face tiredly.

"Bollocks."


	3. Denmark's Obligation

**Aronpuma: Hello, this is my chapter.**

**DbM: He's such a Nordic fanboy he had to support me, just once.**

**Aronpuma: Just once? I've helped you out more times then, oh you mean your army.**

**DbM: Crosses FTW!**

**Aronpuma: Damn, my army isn't named till Next Chapter.**

**DbM: Neither's mine!**

**Aronpuma: What happened to miss "Spoilers" for information that could have been inferred at the end of chapter 1!**

**DbM: She died along with all hope for the nation of mankind! MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHH! *clears throat* Sorry. I often have sporadic bouts of insanity. **

**Aronpuma: No it's fine, anyway, since this chapter was written by me, rest assured that it will exhibit magnificent quantities of superfluous words that could just as easily be shortened for better comprehension of the narrative.**

**DbM: Oh, right, American fans. Words were said by this person about something!**

**Aronpuma: Your British translator everyone, anyway, on to the chapter!**

**DbM: Cor blimey, fish 'n' chips, call the pigs, everyone's shagging! **

**Aronpuma: Wicked (that is more New England I guess)**

**DbM: And no-ones gonna bring meeeeeee dooooooooowwwwwwwnnnn!**

**Aronpuma: (Alright I'm not sure about the context of that so I'll just start the chapter)**

**Chapter 3: Denmark's Obligation**

"Hey Norway, I didn't expect you to come over. Hey, I was thinking that we could go to Ørstedsparken in Copenhagen, it's only a two hour flight there and back and I need a break from these dull meetings"

"Denmark, you know that I will never go to that park with you. I do not want to do the act in front of other people."

"No, the people there are considerate. They don't always clean up after themselves, but they always give you plenty of space, in fact this one time I went there…"

"Why were you there?" Norway was probably the only person who could be incredibly jealous but speak of that jealousy with absolutely no inflection or change to his voice whatsoever.

"Relax, I was only putting up a cool sign to get my people to clean up when they're done; well maybe I got a little fun in."

"Your efforts at monogamy are inspiring." His deadpan delivery would have impressed Steven Wright.

"So don't you want to see what I learned by disregarding it?"

Norway briefly contemplated choking Denmark with his tie, but he figured that such an action could make him less tolerable, and he needed him.

"No, England has decided to call in on his debt."

"What? I don't owe England that much money. You'd think he'd ask America to pay him back first."

"No, the Viking Debt."

"Come on, he was drunk when I promised him that."

"And yet he wants you, Iceland, Sweden, Finland, and me to be his guards against France and America."

"You know, I ought to invite those two to Ørstedsparken."

Now was the time to choke Denmark with his tie, and choke he did, tightly; he stopped when Denmark seemed to be able to not remove the grin on his face.

"Ah lighten up Norge, this job could even be fun; I mean, what's the worst that could happen."

They then went to Sweden and Finland's suite, seeing as that was the closer than Iceland's and it was likely that both Sweden and Finland were there. Norway noted that Denmark wasted no time knocking and just used his spare key to open the door; they entered a very quiet room, which surprised the two.

"Is anybody home!" yelled Denmark, cueing the sound of a micronation running down the stairs. Within no time at all, he was in the foyer.

"Hi Uncle Denmark and Uncle Norway! I didn't know you were coming over." Sealand said excitedly.

"Well I didn't either, but here we are!"

"It's so great to see you! Hey Denmark, why are you carrying that ax?"

"Why? Because I have been called upon for my awesome fighting skills for the purposes of defending Arthur. Apparently France and America are going to bother him."

"How does he know that?

"Um...Norge."

"He said he got it out of Belgium. Do you know where Tino and Berwald are?"

"Mummy and Daddy are having special times."

Denmark keeled over in laughter at Sealands statement; more the idea that they'd do it while their kid was awake. Norway however was not amused.

"Not what, where?"

"They wrote down an address, let me get it."

The two shared a moment of silent as Sealand left the room, observing the child even as he went out of sight.

"You know, you really could be nicer to him Norge."

"Why bother, he finds you entertaining enough."

"I found it!"

Sealand ran in and gave Denmark the scrap of paper with the address.

"You are fine home alone?"

"Yes Uncle Norway, I got all these cool games from Japan I'm playing."

"Ha, that's not a substitute for the real thing. Remember, any time you want real combat training..."

"Yes, I'll come to you."

"Anyway, we should be off, bye Sealand."

"Goodbye Uncle Denmark." Denmark walked out of the house with the address in hand, leaving Norway and Sealand.

"Uncle Norway?"

"Yes?"

"Why are you and Denmark defending jerk England? Shouldn't you be helping France and America?"

"Sealand, when one has obligations to others, the only right thing to do is to fulfill them. So I shall see you…"

"Wait, I have another question I want to ask. What are Special Times?"

Norway lost his composure and his monotone. "I believe that your parents can explain it better than I Sealand. Goodbye; enjoy your games."

"Goodbye uncle."

Norway entered the car where he saw Denmark in the drivers seat. Norway gave him a look, but it was only met with a grin, as Denmark started the car, and they were off to...

_A Fancy Finish Resaurant_

"I w'sh w'got to dr'nk th's Glögi all year."

The couple's table was located along a wall relatively close to the kitchen, which Sweden was facing the entrance of. After what had been a long and stressful Holiday season for the two of them, it was nice to go out now that Christmas was finally over

"Yeah, but it is much more special as a Holiday treat. I still can't believe the Holiday's are almost over."

"Mmmm," Sweden mumbled in agreement with Finland's comment. The Holiday's were always interesting for his 'wife,' for he suffered under Holiday stress much more acutely than almost anyone else, but he always felt elated during the season. "Hey, 'th'nk our waitr'ss 's com'ng w'th our food."

And sure enough their waitress was coming. She had long, straight, platinum blonde hair that complimented her dark blue eyes; both of which seemed oddly familiar to Sweden, though the face was not at all recognizable. It's features were very accentuated, almost as if they were fake. Sweden didn't have long to ponder it though, because he spotted movement coming through the door, someone running through the restaurant. As the figure came into focus, he saw not only that he was running towards them, but that that was, Denmark!? Finland who has turned when he heard the commotion was surprised to see Denmark run into the waitress, causing her to drop the tray with their food.

"Sorr... what are you doing with that!?" The enraged waitress had pulled out a knife, pointed right towards Denmark. She gave him a truly evil glare until a voice caught her attention.

A voice that was speaking to Norway just as he had walked in the door.

"Hello Norway, I didn't know you would be showing up."

"Hello Russia."

Norway walked through the restaurant as everyone began to return to their own conversations. By the time they had congregated at Finland and Sweden's table, the only one giving them the slightest bit of attention was the waitress, who was cleaning up the mess rather slowly.

"So why're you int'rupt'ng our d'nner?

"Denmark has us obligated to help England oppose France and America."

"Why would I be obligated to help Mr. England? I mean he's nice and all, but I'm all burnt out." asked Finland of Denmark.

"That idiot promised England that all five of us would do anything for him at anytime in return for the Viking raids that happened centuries ago." Norway was feeling especially disagreeable in no small part because he had particularly enjoyed those raids and did not want to seem regretful of doing them.

"M'w'fe has to do th's too? H'nev'r hurt England."

"What? WIFE!?"

"Aw come on; what could be better than the five of us kicking France and America's asses?"

"It would be alright, and it is worth it for England."

"F'ne"

"Let's go get Iceland then."

As the four left, Finland lagged behind in search for the waitress to pay for the drinks, but could not spot her, so he left the cash on the table and hurried to rejoin his friends. Upon stepping outside, he spotted a curious thing; a facial prosthetic on the ground, he bent over to go see it and while doing so spotted Russia hiding in the bushes. He dropped the mask and speed walked to the car. He did not want to know why Russia was hiding.

The hotel rented out by the nations was large, but already had enough people for the holiday that Iceland had booked himself a motel room far away from that hotel. He wasn't overly fond of the company of animals, but it was much prefered to the company of humans. Hence why Norway didn't bother to knock, but just opened the door in with his spare key. Well tried to, but the classic motel chain lock was on the door. So they started knocking.

"Iceland, the door!" squawked Mr. Puffin.

"Can you tell them to go; I locked that door for a reason."

"Fine" the bird said with a definite air of annoyance. He proceeded to fly over to the door and he peered through the crack.

"He doesn't want you around, so scram."

Norway grabbed the bird through the gap in the Doorway and pulled him outside.

"UNHAND ME YOU ASSHOLE, OR I'LL TEACH YOU THE TRUE MEANING OF PAIN. YOU ARE ABOUT TO FACE THE WRATH OF THE DEADLIEST BIRD YOU'LL EVER KNOW. PREPARE TO BE BANISHED TO THE GATES OF HELL BY THE CUTEST BIRD THAT HAS EVER KICKED YOUR ASS."

And sure enough, Norway, by using his superior military tactics, got Iceland to unlock the door.

"Why do you insist on barging into my motel room?"

"Why did you lock your big brother out?"

"Ugh not this again. Do we have to have a reprisal of the same joke for the sake of a reference? It just shows unoriginality on the author's part if you ask me."

"Hey! He's being nice enough to give us our own chapter, rather than just lumping our reactions together." Denmark retorted.

"If he loves us so much, then why does he confine our characters to a special Nordic chapter. You and your boyfriend and I are almost never shown to interact with any characters outside of the five in this room."

"We already have had three non-Nordic countries in this chapter that you would of noticed if you hadn't locked yourself in" Norway quipped.

"And you always interact with Hong Kong in fanfiction. How do you think I feel; I'm the most underutilized character in the show and in fanfiction." Denmark stated

"You're just a blend of Prussia and America used for Christmas specials, and I think Australia has that title." Shots fired, but they only bounced off of Denmark.

"That is only because I am underutilized. If you haven't noticed, I have proven to be a very complex character in this story, so you can shut up."

"So what major plot point have I missed?"

"We're going to go help England defend himself from the likes of America and France."

"Why is this Denmark, other than narrative convenience?"

"Because he feels guilty for the viking raids and promised that we would all help England."

"No, I will not help Denmark fulfill his bar bet."

"Hey Iceland, I thought I was the only bird in the Room, but you're acting like a chicken."

"Why are you siding with them?"

"Haven't you always wanted to kick America's ass?"

"No."

"Well you should, he keeps trying to take oil that should be yours."

"Alright fine, I'll help you with your stupid war or whatever this turns into."

"That's the spirit Icy!" proclaimed Denmark.

"W'fe, do you f'l like w're forg't'ng som'th'ng?"

"Sweden, stop calling me wife."

_Back at Sweden's suite, where they had forgotten something_

Sealand had received a new phone for Christmas, which was good because his old phone was not water resistant, and he had someone to call, someone very important, someone who could make use of his current information.

He dialed the number of his idol, the one whose actions he was determined to have shape him most.

"Hey America, Denmark and Norway came over today, and they told me that England…"


	4. The Remembrance of 1812

**DbM: Oh, we're fucked.**

**Aronpuma: How so?**

**DbM: How many chapters do we have written after this?**

**Aronpuma: Well, Chapter 7 is written, and 5 is… you started 5 right?**

**DbM: Fucking Moodle broke my hard drive. I lost everything. But I hadn't started anyway, so it's okay.**

**Aronpuma: Shit. My hard drive broke, but I could recover all of my files. Chapter 5 will be out in a week yes? Reassure our readers?**

**DbM: If they're lucky and my dealer gets out of the clink.**

**Aronpuma: Well then...**

**DbM: On with Chapter Four!**

**Aronpuma: Yes, this is my chapter, and I reassure you all, we'll post the next chapter as soon as possible.**

**DbM: Shady Joe gets out in six, so you may be waiting.**

**Aronpuma: You know, you really ought to get out of the habit of writing fanfiction based on illegal substance hallucinations.**

**DbM: And I thought the British were meant to be boring.**

**Chapter 4:**

"What do you mean Britain is declaring War on us?"

"I mean exactly that, he's kidnapped Belgium in response to our plan, and now he wants war."

"I would assume then that Angleterre is drunk already. Where did you hear this from?"

"My sources are confidential." Normally by that saying, France would assume America had checked Wikipedia for the information.

"America, you do not always have the most valid of sources."

"Dude, my sources are always reliable."

"Fox News is reliable?"

"Hey! When have they said anything wrong?"

"Well at this very meeting you cited a headline they had that said the Muslim Brotherhood has openly stated they want to declare war on Israel. Fortunately, he checked politifact."

"Alright fine; Sealand if you must know."

"Sealand, you're going to rely on that kid Sealand!?"

"Well he said he got the information from Denmark and…"

"Alright maybe he more reliable, but really!?"

"Hey man, let me finish."

"Then who else!?"

"Norway"

"Norway? I suppose that he is reliable, but I want to make sure. We can't call him… Iceland, I shall call Iceland."

France put his phone on speaker phone and dialed Iceland's number.

"Hello, who is this?" Iceland sounded a bit tired

"It is me, France."

"Hey, don't forget me!" America Interjected

"I'm sorry; I'm not supposed to be talking to you two."

"Mon ami, why is that?"

"Shouldn't you know?"

"Of course they wouldn't know, it's a surprise attack." Mr. Puffin simply refused to stay out of the conversation.

"Sorry, I have to g"

"Iceland what the hell are you doing!"

"Hey Iggy, how did you get on the line?" America questioned of the now present Iggy

"I have all phone lines to the enemy's room monitored. Iceland, why did you tell them our plan!"

"They called me up, what were you expecting?"

"Angleterre; it's so nice for you to call."

"Shut up France!"

"Why should he, yo troops don't even seem interested."

"Iceland, sound meaner!" Ordered Britain.

"Um...America, you can't talk to me like that." His voice didn't seem at all changed.

"Come on! I know you can be more Hot tempered than that! Listen to me America, you insulted my owner, so prepare for 1812 again, because I'm the cutest bird that is ever going to burn your capital to the ground. You'll wish you were crying on your knees to Canada again for mercy."

"Bloody bird, it was me who burnt his capital."

"And that was not cool man, seriously."

"America," Iggy cleared his throat. "I will offer you a choice, beat up France right now and I'll bear no grudges."

"What!?" France exclaimed. "America, I thought we had something special."

'France!?"

"See, go beat him up. You have plenty of reason to."

"Nah."

"What!?" England exclaimed

"The most trouble he's ever given me is some privateers in 1799. I'm not going to be no traitor; especially when you declare war cause of a cool prank."

"Well if you want war you'll get it! I hope you have your troops ready, because your defence of Washington was rather lackluster if I remember correctly."

"Oh no, we're goin' back to Baltimore for this battle. !" America disconnected and looked at France, who was relatively calm all things considered.

"France, go get Prussia and Spain. I'll call Canada, and we'll start assembling the Stars and Stripes Forever; the S&S for short."

"But if Britain presumably has all the Nordics on his side, we're going to need more than 4 to face him. And why must we be called the Stars and Stripes Forever?"

"Because I had this friend named Sousa who wrote a really cool march with them and we could so use it as our super awesome fight song. And let's concentrate on getting those four first, they'll probably be easiest to get."

"What about the Netherlands?" France asked.

"What about the Netherlands?" America questioned.

"Shouldn't we tell him that his sister has been captured?"

"Good thinking; we can use that to recruit him too, now come on, let's call."

"But if we call, Angleterre shall hear us."

"Then we'll go from room to room, come on, let's go."

* * *

Iceland of course was still on the line, he wasn't completely sure if England had disconnected with the end of the call with France or if he was still on the line. The silence had reached Jenna Hamilton awkward levels.

"Iceland, just hang up the phone, the yelly boss is gone now."

"Alright, I sha"

"Hey, I'm still here! Bloody bird"

"Hello England, I'm sorry about your fight America, though it was a bit weird."

"What do you mean Iceland?"

"Yeah Boss, what do ya mean?"

"Well, America seemed to be so juvenile at the world meeting, but he came up as much more sane in this conversation."

"Ha, that's how he expresses his sexual desire for Iggy."

"Shut up you Bloody Bird!"

"I do have an idea."

"Well then share it Iceland, as long as it is more sensible than your pet's."

"Well America currently has two political parties that don't agree on anything but are both corrupted by money. America wants to stay out of politics, but his personality is still divided, instead of dividing him by party lines, it has divided him into obnoxious and more reasonable. Either that, or the two coauthors don't write America with the same insanity levels; and one of them is worried it will mesh so he made an in universe exclamation."

"Iceland, what did I tell you about breaking the fourth wall!?"

"Sorry England, he also wanted a fourth wall joke."

"Iceland, I will talk to you later when you are not acting as the Author's liaison into his own insight about the project."

Iggy hung up the phone, and Iceland finally hung up his. Iceland turned to the readers.

"Don't worry; the other author is currently planning American's continuous sporadic mental breakdowns."


	5. Martian Interludes, Part 1

**DbM: I'm back bitches!**

**Aronpuma: And now you will have me to blame for procrastinating on the next chapter.**

**DbM: I did tell you we'd have about four weeks.**

**Aronpuma: And if the updates on **_**my **_**story are any indication, Chapter 6 should come out in about 2 months.**

**DbM: And if my updates are, this will either never be finished, or will take about six months, or will be written and uploaded in about ten minutes.**

**Aronpuma: As a compromise, the next chapter of this story will be out in exactly a week.**

**DbM: Don't get your hopes up.**

**Aronpuma: Alright, 2 weeks, but I am going to learn to be efficient again**

**DbM: You'll be efficient when I get over my caffeine addiction.**

**Aronpuma: Then you better turn in your starbucks card.**

**DbM: Dude, my nearest Starbuck's is three miles away. Please remember we live on different continents.**

**Aronpuma: HOW DO YOU LIVE LIKE THAT!? There are literally 10 exclusively coffee shops in my town**

**DbM: Tea, no milk, two spoons of artificial sweetening sugar, on the hour. Exclusively brewed at home.**

**Aronpuma: Oh yeah tea… **_**that **_**drink, the one we threw into the harbor when you imposed on us that tax (which actually made tea cheaper)**

**DbM: It was a good idea actually, tea's not bad with salt.**

**Aronpuma: Hmm, anyway, We have a different kinda chapter for you. IE, it is the reason that Switzerland is one of the main characters.**

**DbM: It's really fun to write about gun fetishists. Like being on 4chan. CHAPTER, HO!**

**Chapter 5: Martian Interludes Part One- **

Switzerland's house was not a reflection of the intimidating and violent man who lived there. It was tall, and it was obvious where the explosive 'defences' were located, but other than that, you would not expect Basch Zwingili to live there at all. Except for of course, the dynamite, landmines, angry cows and specially hired Finns to guard the barely- ten- metres long front path. A person would have to jump every explosive, supply every Finnish immigrant with coffee and eat every one of the twenty-three point two cows to reach the door. After one got there, you would be cordially invited in for hot chocolate.

Of course, it was also a far cry from where his unEarthly visitor usually lived, too. The people of Venus lived underground, far from the noxious gas of the planet's atmosphere. This visitor had run from his dying world, the pink planet, when he saw the people of Earth making history repeat itself. In many ways, he was a hero, just very few people knew it. He had found a great new home on Earth with a friendly nation, and was determined not to lose two homes, and as so had gone to whom he deemed the most capable man to save the world. And after that obstacle course of a front yard, this bastard had _better fucking do it._ But he was assured, by his own mind, that this was the perfect, loyal man for the job.

He was not the best judge of character.

"_Bitch fuck!"_

"So Martians are invading Earth?"

"_Bitchy!_"

"For the sole reason of being bored?"

"_Bitchy!_"

"Really? That's very interesting. Now I don't see what this has to do with m-"

"_Scheisskopf! Yaro, chigi, fuck!"_

"Oh. And you intend for myself and Liechtenstein to stop them because everyone else is too busy acting like inbred morons?"

"_Bitchy, hashtagyolo!"_

"Oh, you flatterer, but I accept. And there was no need to be so rude. Please see yourself out."

Tony left the Alpen manor, content that the planet Earth was in safe hands.

In retrospect, maybe it wasn't the best idea to leave the fate of the world in the control of a survivalist Swiss with a gun fetish, and his equally crazy Liechtensteiner lover/sister/person.

Basch stared out of the bay window, sipping his hot chocolate, considering how he was going to protect himself and Lilli. He had a few plans (most of them involving explosives, chocolate, and copious amounts of pink pyjamas) but all of them ended with mass genocide and repopulating the Earth with Liechtenstein. Not that that was a bad thing, but it also meant he'd only be able to shoot at her people.

He drained the last dregs from his mug, and walked into the kitchen. He had phone calls to make, but first decided to inform his small ward of the current situation.

Liechtenstein was nonchalantly making a cheese sandwich in their pristine kitchen. It wasn't always this clean, but some of their late- night… activities had caused their maids to become obsessive- compulsive about the cleanliness of any structure that could hold two bodies simultaneously.

"Lilli? We're going to be blowing the fuck out of ice things from the planet Mars under the orders of a refugee from the planet Venus, then we will copulate to rejuvenate to ensure the survival of the human race."

Lilli, unlike most teenagers who would ever hear that utterance, continued to watch her sandwich toast under the grill. "Okay, big brother. Can I use the bazooka?"

"For whic- actually, go right ahead."

Lilli begun to wander off to their 'mixed toys' room- Germanics love the strangest things- then had an idea.

"Basch?"

"Yes, Lilli?"

She began to shuffle round on her feet, blushing at the floor. "The gene pool might be a bit small… and I know some people who may benefit from this umm.. arrangement.."

Switzerland was about to ask who she meant, then realised, and sighed.

"He's _Four. Thousand. Years. Old, _Liechtenstein."

Lilli suddenly snapped her head up at him, with _that look-_ a look somewhere between savage and, well, _hungry._ "But he's _Asian!_"

He considered, as he always did when she had _that look_. She had a point- the more eastern nations were _kinky, _ and at least one wasn't getting any, and was therefore desperate.

He decided.

"I'll charge up your SIM."

_Far away out in cosmic space, where Lizard people from planet Mars had somehow managed to build a long-distance spacecraft capable of sustaining heat, gravity and consistent pressure in four degrees Kelvin, and for some reason wanted to invade our shitty planet with far lesser technology and advances. I mean, seriously, who'd want to live here? We just don't have any choice. Geez, guys, Martians are weird._

"The female narrators on Mars are much politer, you know."

_Suck it._

"Tessnor, we have important matters to discuss."

"Yes, Thaumasia."

The four tribes of Mars gathered round their table in their grandiose spacecraft.

"Now this is how we shall invade the Earth…"


End file.
